Browsed through old photos from years back..
Instead of smiles, I feel anxiety. Missing a lot of things. But not sure what. Missing the naivety, the ignorance, even the long hair that is now short, the picture-taking oblivion, the not-giving-a-shit. I want to know it all — before the conditioning, the childhood, before the hurts and pains, before the tattoos, Hollywood. I want to feel and know the soul I am made of.
I’m tired of my “self.” And I have been for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if we ever realize how much we depend on society? How we would be in our day-to-day without Facebook, without cell phones, without everyone looking at our every move. Can we really know our selves at all? How much of our selves that we think we are is really only an act, a show? I miss the days when we didn’t depend so much on our cell phones.. and wasn’t interrupting a moment by clamoring for a photo.. or “I did this, that; I met so and so” and instead just enjoyed it.. soaked it into our heart and bones…
My thoughts are not different, are not special or separate. I believe the waves and cycles of all humanity-including all emotions and thoughts-before us and after us and that is all it is — waves. Temporary particles manifested from the beings we all are together. It all feels right; these realizations waiting for me all along, before I was even born, and many more, already existing inside me. Waiting.