You meet somebody. You decide you both have similar ideas. You get along so you decide they’re now your “friend.”
You’ve now created this label for this person and now you must create their characteristics, their role and who you think they are from their past actions, the things they tell you (and the blank spots you fill with your own assumptions) and their likes/dislikes.
They are now an “image” you’ve created in your mind to distinguish from other friends. This is the same with the people you’ve labeled boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, etc.
These labels all have different roles to you. A friend might be someone that should hang out with you once in a while and let you vent. A boyfriend should make time for you and do romantic things.
Let me tell you something: These roles aren’t real.
And the faster you let go of these images, the happier you will be.
Because you’ve labeled someone your best friend, does that mean you really know them? No.. you know the image you have of them. In fact, you know that image very well. You tell that false image secrets and create invisible expectations. You even “know” how that image would react to situations, what they would probably say to you and why they do what they do.
See, I’ve learned from past experience and observing others that much of our suffering is from an image, which is, well, nothing. Something we create from thin air to control.
Once your image does or says something that isn’t agreeable to you anymore or hurts your ego, you jump to conclusions. Your brain has to piece together WHY they would or wouldn’t do that, say that, treat you that way. You justify the reasons why…
“You know she said that because she’s still mad at what I did two years ago.”
“He only treats me that way because he’s been hurt in the past. Poor Bob.“
“She’s just a bitch.”
You might think to yourself, “Maybe he really wasn’t who I thought all along…” Ding ding! What you think and what is real are two different things. What you think could come from past experiences and future expectations and only what you know at that time.
Let’s look at an example I’m sure seems very real to many. You’re pissed because your boyfriend hasn’t called you yet and you’re stewing in your anger. You think he doesn’t love you enough and that he’s a forgetful person. Now you’re suffering in this negative energy and he’s feeling excellent and very unforgetful-like. He has no idea you’re feeling this way. Maybe he’s even thinking about how much he misses you. Or maybe he really doesn’t give a shit and you’re still emotionally attaching yourself to this false image.
Why do we choose to make ourselves suffer instead of enjoying things for what they are and appreciating the beauty of someone else’s soul? Are your actions coming from love and understanding or from hurt and ego? See things as they are, not how you would want them to be. If you’ve read this far, you might conclude with thinking I’m an enlightened person who’s got it all figured out or that I’m a person sitting on her pedastal that doesn’t really know the crap she’s spewing.
Neither is true. And that’s pretty awesome.
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This is putting expectations on those people as well.
I totally get where you’re going with this. Just because I have a mother
and a father doesn’t mean they are JUST our parents. They have other “roles” in society. I think an image of someone is important. I really don’t think it’s an illusion because people project an image in many ways by being motivated, giving, loving, loyal… I definitely think this can be an image of someone, but when you start labeling a person in your life as boyfriend, best friend etc… I just think that goes along with trust, companionship, and a common bond, which is the most fundamental thing in life… To be connected with one another… However, II think the nicknames that are associated with people is really silly. For instance, why is our societal view of a significant other in stages? The friend, boyfriend, fiance, husband. I think a boyfriend can be just as close as a husband, or a friend can be just as meaningful as a fiance.
I don’t think labeling is bad. It think it interferes when those labeled characteristics (images) are held accountable on those individuals.
People are people and they have needs, feelings and desires. They aren’t usually seeing themselves in “roles”. Being a food server and a student is a definite societal “image’ of myself, but I sure as heck don’t feel that’s all who I am, and should that define me? What defines anyone anyway? Something to think about.
XO
I totally see what you’re saying. The “images” are how we see others, naturally. The point is, like you said, to not hold them accountable to these images. I just believe in the truth which is what is underneath those images (for me) and the truth is love, compassion, realness.
You are definitely my “friend” and I look at you with the kindness you have inside of you, not outer, and I love you for that! I could talk to you about anything for hours lol Thanks for leaving your thoughts Sarah, I’ll see you soon
-Nikki
This reminds me of the zen attempt to live each day unpolluted by the past – the past with all its labels and expectations – for example the parable:
“I broke my leg.”
“That’s too bad.”
“No, that’s good, I met my wife at the hospital.”
“That’s good.”
“No, that’s bad. She left me and she took all my money.”
“That’s bad.”
“No, that’s good. I let go of my attachment to things.”
“That’s good.”
“No, that’s bad, because . . .
This is really interesting! Love that little story… I’ve learned a lot from zen practices, to only see things as they are without removing or adding onto.
Thanks for the visit
Brilliant. Nothing more needs to be added, really. Your thoughts through typed words speak volumes on how/why relationships of all types fail/succeed. Imagine all the disappointment that can be avoided if we or others in our life would reset the way of thinking that includes the burden of all the layers of protection we continue to put on throughout our life. The layers of protection that, ironically, is responsible for so much aggravation and disappointment. You rock Nikki!
Yes it is funny how those layers we intentionally (or subconsciously) build do cause us more disappointment and uncontentment.. Thanks so much for your words, you rock too Michael!
I completely relate to your post. I feel at times I get upset or expect the bf to do or act a certain way instead of just enjoying what he does on his own. I keep telling myself to stop expecting and just enjoy the moment. Thank you for the insightful message, definitely gets me thinking for the better. I love how you’re more than just a superficial person, I feel like sometimes I’m the only one I know who thinks deeply into matters of attitudes and emotions. Keep it up girlie!
Hi Steph! I know what you mean — it’s definitely an on-going challenge that you have to remind yourself and be aware of. The fact that you are aware of it is awesome! Any time you feel yourself slipping and need someone to talk to or want to talk about “deeper matters” send me a message
-Nikki
This is definitely something I’ve struggled to learn, especially in regards to relationships. The biggest challenge is to avoid putting all these concepts onto people you meet and to move through the world while attempting to avoid being influenced by the labels other people attempt to control you with. It’s up to you to decide which vectors to embrace and which to reject.
The mental ‘shortcut’ (if there is one) is to remind yourself when someone has a problem with ‘you’ is that it’s not going to be about you at all. It’s something that they’re working through and you just happen to be in the area. Remember, it’s not about you, so act with compassion, stay open and try to gently point them in the right direction without getting dragged into the drama they are attempting to create and use to justify their position.
The challenge is to see yourself and others as they really are and still retain compassion for both. This takes work
Hi Robert! Thanks for your insightful words. It definitely is a challenge at times but true, staying compassionate, staying aware and taking a step back seems to be the key. I find when I am easier on myself and love myself more (instead of judging), I do the same for others which helps when I think someone is speaking out of “ego” (which is also judging). It can take work!