Sit and don’t move. You are stronger than the endless irritants, delusions and distractions that seek to take your peace away. Usually we move and react all the time. When something bothers us, we shift, change our position, do anything we can to fix it.
Let go of control. When you are faced with a difficult knot in a relationship, don’t squirm and wrestle, don’t enter into a struggle, do nothing–give up control. Stay centered and immovable in the middle of the storm and see what the conflict is truly about. Let it live out its own life. Let it come and let it go. Don’t get picked up and whirled around like a leaf in the wind.
[from one of my favorite books: Zen & the Art of Falling In Love]
I am feeling this way about life in general. I suppose it seems natural, being the end of the year, start of a new year, a new beginning. Everyday I have an aching feeling that I don’t know how to express or even recognize. It is a slow uncomfortableness that is telling me that my soul is not being satisfied. That is why I turn to cooking, little projects, making with my hands. I spend about 35-45 hours a week at my other life; my makeup job(s). It feels like another part of my life that I conveniently turn on and shut off. I want to be in my own little studio making things, alone, creating and creating everyday. It will happen soon… I haven’t done any writing on that novel that I started almost 2 years ago because I have nothing more to say. Perhaps that was just a phase to pacify what need(s) I had back then.
I’m always torn between the two: Fake it til you make it or Be yourself. I know life is all about balance and it’s up to the individual to find a balance between the two but when do you know? There’s not a day I don’t think about self improvement and try to be conscious of my reactions and thoughts. It is not my natural way to be an extrovert but I take these qualities and attempt to make a pass, so life will be easier (and I am appreciative to say, the practice has been paying off. Much less anxiety and more enjoyment around people). But I have the other half of me wanting so bad to just be and not think about these things. Would I still grow? Do I let go of that need and go about life the way I please? One must argue that by letting go and just living, you are also growing simultaneously..
I guess it’s easier to strive to reach some sort of certainty than the latter [uncertainty.] My problem is I want to be perfect. I mess up. I need to accept that.